Page 2 of Unexpected Quotes | Quotes about Unexpected

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Unexpected Quote #1

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.?
Jarod Kintz

Unexpected Quote #2

A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and let the blanket filter out impurities. Then after your water is pure, drop a brick in the barrel, and let the water molecules take on a brick-like structure. Drinking this water is a great way to build up your body’s defenses—especially from invading Mongol hordes from the north.
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #3

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #4

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket:?
Mr. Brick: I like your dress?
Ms. Blanket: I’m naked, you moron?
Mr. Brick: Tuesdays make me vomit. What are you doing one minute after Monday at 11:59 PM?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #5

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #6

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #7

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #8

A blanket could be used for a soft opening of a new casino. The softer the better, I always say. Well, I don’t always say that. I say other stuff too.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #9

A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #10

A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall??
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #11

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #12

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand??
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #13

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #14

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #15

A blanket could be used like a giant piece of paper. Most people just want to cum on it, but occasionally someone will want to splash ink on it and try to impregnate the minds of the people.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #16

A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #17

A blanket could be used like a trumpet could be used as a murder weapon. And if the cops ask you what I was doing on the night of June 6th, tell them I was in the corner, playing the saxophone like it was a piano.
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #18

A blanket could be used like cloud cover?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #19

A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving and never arriving. I’m like that too, except I’m always arriving and never leaving. I also eat all the food in your fridge, and never leave when you ask me to. Why would I leave? Good food, good friends, and good food.
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #20

A blanket could be used like so many poor people get used and then thrown away like a sack of baloney that’s started to turn green. It’s sad really, when you consider all the sandwiches that could have been made out of all those poor people.
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #21

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #22

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #23

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #24

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can make it hard to differentiate between leave my house immediately and please, spend the night.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #25

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #26

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #27

A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store (she was on sale).
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #28

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #29

A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless the opposing army is armed only with sharp words).?
Jarod Kintz
Unexpected Quote #30

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.?
Jarod Kintz

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